Archivos Mensuales: octubre 2019

“Look at the birds.”

Where am I at today?
I woke up late. I overslept. I missed an appointment with a really good friend. I feel lazier than I have almost ever felt. I have a slightly dry throat that wants me to sniff and swallow every so often to soothe it.

I just got paid. Almost four peanuts. I feel that I’m where I am at for a reason. That reason may or may not be one that I will ever know but it is a reason.

There is a pond near my house I like to sit by and gaze over the water.
“Where is God today?” I ask myself.
 God is outside. God is in the beauty of the wind in the trees. God is the stillness of the pond near my house. God is the chatter of the ducks and the grace of the swan.
“Look at the birds.” He…

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A touching story that’s helped me grow

Yesterday a story came to my attention. It had me feeling. Strongly. I guess I’m not doing such a bad job at sponging my heart to let things come through. Or maybe the story was strong enough to come bashing through, regardless of weather I wanted it or not. Or maybe I never was as hardhearted as I wanted to believe, and now I’m just being sincere in a new way. I don’t know, but that story didn’t leave me indiferent. It’s a story which magnifies, in my opinion, something which happens ever more often in a smaller scale. Something we don’t give that much importance to, or at least I don’t, and yet the roots are there, everywhere, and they’re evil as can be. It’s a story of fear, dominance, strength, obsession, manipulation, getting carried away… It’s a story of achieving what you want even to the cost of the one besides you, to the one you supposedly love and care about. It’s a story of letting your emotions overcome the rest of your being, following your desire by placing it above anything else… It’s a story of one eating the second up, instead of one and one adding up to create another one, in a beautiful merger where that final one has both in it, and yet creates a “one” so much better than the sum of both prior “ones”. It’s a story of obsession, where a relative turns into an absolute, where anything other than the expected and desired becomes a fight to make things your way. Then, love becomes denaturalized and the word selfishness comes small. And one’s security becomes control over the other, and love (whatever story you tell yourself) is actually turned violence, imposition… And rather than being the channel to self-sacrifice for the well-being of the other, rather than moving you to offer yourself completely, to focus on the other and not you, to give in or surrender with your whole heart creating beauty… You become a black hole whose nature isn’t but sucking it all. It’s a story of fear, of identity… Of knowing oneself…

And it gets me thinking. Because it’s difficult parting from those situations, I get it. But I guess it can be as difficult parting from the minor ones I was talking about earlier on, the ones wich happen in a smaller scale and thus pass unnoticed. Because there’s bits of that in my life. Executioner and victim. And quickly Cencini’s video comes to mind, the slope. It tells us that the fall is progressive, that you go down slowly, step by step, and when you’re in the way you can never expect you’ll end up down there, yet that’s what will happen. And I must question myself for my willpower, my boundaries, my love. I must question myself for those times were I’ve looked only for my own good even when other people were involved and it wasn’t for their best interest. I feel impelled to question my evasions, my weakness… And my compensation channels. And I call myself to be as sincere as I’m able to. I call myself to start looking at things I hadn’t dared confront. I call myself to stand forward and acknowledge the whole picture, for it’s time to pursue the truth. And, gratefully, I’m not alone, there’s people I can trust, and I’m on time to start walking, start improving. I want to fight this fight, it’s worth it. I want to be better, to leave my fears behind and pursue the way, difficult as might be. I want to clean my intentions and arrange my priorities, I want to flee from selfishness and stop wanting to be in control and safe, and give in to God’s loving hands, give Him/Her the reigns and start walking together towards the life He/She dreamt for me. This story impels me to watch out for those small seeds of weeds and prune the almond tree, for by cutting what needs not be my tree will flourish nicely.

Unlike what I always do, this is a post written in more than one day. Yesterday is now actually a few days back. This has enabled me to look back and see how all this is changing me. I’ve tried. I haven’t changed completely, all my flaws flushed away in a single night… But things have changed. Willpower related to Scape routes, compensations and evasions is one of the most difficult things to change, for I’m the most harmed, and it’s easy putting a happy now before a harder now yet better future. Involving others… I’ve been more sincere accepting when one thing’s right and when I’m just looking for some good company. Some times I’ve restrained myself better than others, but altogether there’s progress. I’m not alone. God’s with me, and I can count on my community. Today I complete my fourth month since my profession. A lot has been going on, but I must keep on fighting, keep making the effort to change things instead of letting the days pass without even noticing them. Today I want to keep my eyes open to see the small roots and make a change. Today I ask You Lord for the courage to do what has to be done. Today I want to rely on You, walk with you, let You grow in me.