Chaos

inline-the-company-chaos-you-dont-know-youre-creatingTo be truthful, lately I’ve started a few posts… Which led to nothing. I do want to write, and it feels like I’m in a mood and situation worth writing, but somehow inspiration just keeps missing me. To deal with it, I feel like starting something new. Some minutes ago I stumbled with the daily prompts, why not? I’m going to give it a try. Today’s word is Chaos, it’s interesting… I like it because it doesn’t just shout to me one specific answer or focus, yet it does moves me and and resonates in me, so let’s see what we can get out of it.

Chaos, disorder, diversity… And yet uniqueness, creativity, art & beauty. A little chaos is good, it is spontaneity, liberty, it’s everything being able to be itself, to follow it’s own way and path regardless of the rest. Chaos is a call to live, to enjoy, to release the chains and burden of everyday and let everything turn out as it wills.

But, on the other hand, chaos is also insecurity, very broad and imprecise, it’s loosing the North.

Actually, why going into this list? Isn’t this supposed to be my life, my reality… In other words, myself. I have to stay truthful. I have to remain “see-through” and keep it personal and write about what really is important to me and not just stating the Shopping-list. There’s this word that came to my mind when writing this adjectives. Remain pure… But I don’t really know if I’m pure, Oh! I’m not saying I’m not good, it’s just that I think that “pureness” is stained with some darkness. Nothing to fear though, it’s part of who we all are. And If you have seen no darkness in you maybe it is because you haven’t searched as good as you can, but trust me when I say I don’t blame you. Anyway, I got distracted again, not that I’m surprised but I better get going with what is important.

So, Chaos… What does it bring intro your mind? Well, I know what troubles me. Chaos in my mind, Chaos in my thoughts. I mean, even this post is a bit chaotic and I’m wondering how I’m going to get something useful out of it. Anyway, I lost it again. So I was thinking that my mind tends to juggle with this so many thoughts and ideas, some I want to brush away, some I really try not to forget, but it’s this continuous jabbering in my head which gets me from focusing and getting something efficiently done and over with or these good ideas which die on the way and the whole lot of trash that goes out my mouth before I’ve had time to develop and nourish it. It stinks sometimes.

But, you know what’s the hardest for me? This chaotic mind is addictive, I thrive for new thoughts and experiences, can’t focus on the same thing for long… And here it goes, I get extremely bored without my continuous stimulus. And that troubles me, it does because I can’t be still and quiet during prayer time, because I feel wrong about it and want to be able to stay still and and lower the rhythm of all that’s going on in my head. There’s chaos in my mind and life when thousands of stimulating things compete against my responsibilities and what I must do.

Know what? My major chaos has to do with the diversity, quantity, speed and lack of organisation of my thoughts. But what’s also difficult is, when this which I’m addicted to, is replaced with numbness and lack of words. Short anecdote of my life is that I was crowned parrot at the end of high school and it wasn’t a surprise, I was even proud of it. It’s a part of who I am, all that speaking, and therefore it startles me when I go all “numb” I’ve got nothing to say or nothing to pray about. I even know a topic and have people to pray for, but a “you know what to do Lord” will do and that’s it.

It’s getting late and I feel I’m starting to ramble again so I might just leave it here. Also, It’s past midnight now so It’s actually yesterday’s prompt but oh well, it will do.

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